I have been dying to blog about my birthday and chorale concert. (: YES, I AM STILL EIGHTEEN. ;) Ooh. I had a scrumptious japanese birthday lunch at Kepayi, Pan Pacific Hotel with my family and friends. The food were so fresh and yummy. I have gotten the much coveted Hugo Femme perfume as my birthday gift from my sister. Bliss. (: The rest of the day was devoted to chorale practice . Thank you to everyone who remembered my birthday… even long-lost friends whom I don’t talk much to anymore. Berdine dear and her birthday treat… the lovely white pants from ber and jo…  Mabel and Cheryl! I love you girls for the little surprised. Cheryl, my avid supporter of my choir concert and thank you for always giving constructive comments regarding the concert… Mabel for that lovely and touching card. I feel so bloody self-centred after reading it. Momos… what will I do without romantic friends like you!

I was actually emo-ing on my birthday. It was terrible. The bitterness and cynicism that were welling up in my eyes… (You wouldn’t want to read my post that night;) )I was tearing throughout the whole practice and in weikiat’s car but I managed to conceal them. I am pretty amused now by er… myself. After a comforting conversation with Jien, Shixuan and Cheryl, I felt much better and ready for In Song. In Song was a peculiar experience.( Honestly speaking I was much more confident in second half than first half.)It felt almost like a routine. It wasn’t much of a catharsis like how I always think it was in vjc choir. However, there is beauty in the subtleness, in that shade of maturity and (in case, everyone starts thinking chorale is made up of dull prunes) in the slightly playful and relaxed attitude. (: When Dawn was ironing my organza for me and when Sandy (during sov)  was helping me to apply eyeliner, I was observing the intent and stoic patience in their eyes and suddenly I felt a pang of sisterly affection for these people… or admiration when I turned to Jiayun randomly and asked her, “Why did you join chorale?” and she said simply, “I have always liked chorale.”

I don’t remember always liking chorale. I was quite adamant about not joining chorale in the past because I did not feel the fierce urge to do so. It was never my dream. I thought it is an extension of an adolescent’s dream but, you grow; you learn from the seniors and you will realise again, it is not just an extension- it does have a story of its own, its rhythm of life. It is not quite like vjc choir. It has magic of its own that is not wild, declarative and arrogant. I find myself feeling for chorale… I think I am going to miss singing and the friends there now that the next project is christmas carolling. ((: Bound as one.

Of course, I have my lovely darlings to thank for trying to “surprise” me. It was sweet and I really felt quite blessed and blissful. I love the card and scrutinising everyone’s handwriting. okay, that makes me a bit sick and psycho. ;)

BACK TO STATS. LOVE.

YOU who are reading this:

Please come for Victoria Chorale’s concert, In Song, on 26th Aug, Sunday! Will YOU please make me a happy girl? ;) On second thoughts, maybe no, I am still quite bitter about the ugly kebaya. It seems like I am the only one having issues with the unflattering and antiquated costume. ;) I am getting bitchier nowadays. (it is not good. rah.) We had our second last practice last night. It didn’t feel much like a practice nor was it exactly a feel-good-let’s-sing-with-passion get-together. I looked at the people I am going to perform on the Esplanade stage this coming sunday… I love to perform for people and with people whom that there is a certain sort of chemistry and THIS: catch-someone’s-eye-and-both-of-you-smile-and-know-all-of-us-are-in-this-together … (okay, maybe I have made it too romantic and mushy) It is THIS that makes me miss my friends, vjc choir and the whole dynamics.  However, in vjc choir, not everyone was on the same level of passion and showmanship when it came to delivery of songs which could make you feel a bit out of place sometimes especially. I like chorale and the FRIENDS there, no doubt.  You feel empowered and motivated by their contagious and exuberant onstage presence. They are so professional, talented and those people have been in the scene for so long  because they love singing and somehow or rather, they are able to align their passion with commitment and make it all click. Of course, chemistry is therefore what it lacks. (: (That’s my opinion!)

 I was pondering about the differences out of the blue the other night and decided to share with marie yesterday because it was quite hard to articulate my feelings to myself.  She said it was well-described and she agreed! You should have seen me. I was waving my hands dramatically, raising my tone as I analysed. ;) CHOIR ar CHOIR.

I was zombie-like, pale and despondent while moping around in school with glad, junrong and jervois and dan. I was pretty perked up at first but eventually succumbed to the overwhelming fatigue. oh well! I have signed up for smube, samba, japanese cultural club and muay thai… might be interested in some others too. We’ll see how. (This has become my pet phrase nowadays.) (:

I seem so cheery, the fact is… okay, I am not depressed. I need to be optimistic and let’s hope for the best.

always you, always you…

AS is addictive. (: My mind would drift off for a while and then I would feel this determination to think through all those weird problems.  haha. oh well. It doesn’t seem like the right time to be emotional. School has started and I should feel a zephyr of exhilration trailing my footsteps. Perhaps so, only that traces of silhouette are left behind in corners I pass and I am not sure which one of myself is facing the next person I meet. You break into a huge grin, realising maybe, a few minutes later, that you don’t know where you have been, whom you have talked to or what you have been doing. It is quite peculiar. (: You flit around to different pockets of people and then the next moment, you try to recall their names and then you flit again and so on and so forth.

I am going to take spanish or french literature next term. Spanish for this extra dosage of familiarity towards one of my favourite poets-Pablo Neruda. French Literature… well, who can miss out one of the most romantic languages in the world. (:

The book fell that always closed at twilight.
and my blue sweater rolled like a hurt dog at my feet.

Always you, always you recede through the evenings
toward the twilight erasing statues.

                                                            

Besides my bimbotic gripes about how ugly my fringe cut is (please be kind towards my silly folly), here goes: Where have my artistic sensibilities seep away to?

“I stopped writing poems too…”

It happens, I think, at some point of time, to all of us when our brains are hijacked by temporary fluff. But fluff are pretty, soft and cotton-like substance-they break our falls, they are what we snuggle into lest of struggling slumber should they occur.

Sam: “cos what i want to capture is the essence of the moment.  i want to rmb it and dont seem to be able to when i re read my poem posts. The exact feeling is never again.”

I exclaimed in agreement! “Yes! Actually i think cos we grew out of it. The angst, the confusion…”

Diaries mystify and intrigue us like always. We are apprehended by our own bygone emotions too.  

“I always cringe when i read my handwritten diary, besides the handwriting of course (ahem!), i am very amused and sometimes slightly embarassed.”

“haha i am highly embarrassed. but oh well the past moulds us into what we are today. and if we never thought like that..

.In unison,  “we’d never think like this now.”

I feel comforted that I am not alone in missing writing, Literature and in having “this surge of passion to write a damn good essay. ” (:

the monolithic truth

vjc intrusion (: nil sine labore!

marie and kenny!

marie and kenny

kenny and I

this is home truly.

so we crashed vjc in our uniforms yesterday. I think it is fun but let’s do it again in our home clothes so that we can visit the staff room legitimately.  The teachers were very nice and adorable. I was fairly surprised at Ms Cindy Lo’s hug. She is so cute alright. I miss the lectures and literature. Mr Teo’s abstract concepts that are as enthralling as usual. “The lack of purpose in their lives… She said, “What are we going to do tomorrow?” and [insert character’s name which I forgot] pull his pants up and down…”

“The Monolithic Truth. ”

“The style of writing affects how we take to the characters…”

I wish I am doing literature again. The new syllabus is very exciting and challenging. It is a pity Mr Harris is not around that day. I would have loved to show Marie why Harris is such an inspiring quirky teacher. (: We also heard from Elroy that there is a new geography teacher from uk who is very experienced and knowledgeable. Elroy’s compliments for her make me want to attend her lessons too! hmpf. School is starting next monday. I feel so unprepared. I have no common lessons with ber, marie, sam or phyl, claire and gladys. okay, I shall be contented that at least I will be seeing jervois for creative thinking and junrong for analytical thinking and stats class. I can’t wait for school to start but I dread it? I hope there are intellectual and stimulating discussions and lessons. ALRIGHT, I have decided I am excited. ;)

more than words/

Miss writer is back in action. (: I have so many things to write about, then again so little brainpower to condense and organise everything. While school has not officially started, I have gotten more than a glimpse of how smu life is going to be.  I’ve been through ftb and and business camp and being the loser I am (yes, kiat, yes, emmanuel [not that they read this anyway]), I prefer ftb to business camp. Perhaps it is the timing, I guess. I am still keeping my mind open. My business campmates are nevertheless nice and decent and we could click alright, we did bond in a way. (: we’ll see. Hongda, my business camp faci, actually found me rather quiet at first. omg. I was really tired from the lack of sleep but i tried to be more hyper . I am confused! I wasn’t like that when I went for nat. youth entrepreneur camp alone. When I first joined vj, my choir seniors said I am extremely talkative, and I couldn’t keep still or quiet for like five minutes. (ask tiong or jianhao if they can remember…) I was affronted in an amusing way. I mean, being too talkative is not a very postive thing. Now I am being thought as being too quiet. It is weird, alright. Perhaps Don, my old ‘nemesis’, says it best, “You are vocal when needed.” So when I think there is no need to hype up the mood or be noisy and nonsensical, I rather take a backseat. alright! resolved!

FTB was a great experience despite all the negative comments I have been hearing from all sources. I was so stressed at one point of time during the camp-I even wonder whether I have made the right choice to come to SMU. But I didn’t want to give up, really, really didn’t want to. I don’t get defeated easily but I had to cry, to unleash the pent-up frustrations. rahs. I am not really good at controlling my tears as much as I was reluctant to lose it in front of sheena. I really love and gosh, miss FTB. PLANNING & EXECUTION are so deeply etched in our minds that we reiterate it as our own private joke. The crazy dancing queens! I adore them. I heard that Ben Teong said that I need to be more confident. Then again, how can you be confident in things that you know you are not very accomplished in? RIGHT? (: I could be rah rah, but I felt there wasn’t a need to be or in other words, I didn’t really push myself to. I know I did contribute in my own little ways but I kept feeling then they were not enough, not me, not siying. (yeah. that was perhaps when the insecurities and fears kicked in.)  I felt like heaps more comfortable leading the skit thing than strategizing how to tie ropes and structures. you know. I am not that kind of person. (:  I have straightened out my thoughts, well that was definitely out of my comfort zone, but I am still very proud of myself and my team. I know how perhaps people would or already have judged you by how you have presented yourself, eg, during the camp… I don’t think that alone is sufficient because different people would have noticed/observed different facets of you. (: I shouldn’t discredit myself or whatever… (: I am going to sign up to be a faci next year. Anybody up for the challenge? haha.

I am feeling very blessed and ridiciously happy in smu now because of these people:

1. My bestie who does the craziest things sometimes like holding my hand and made me run in the rain while I was lost in my own dream world, muttering how romantic it was to be strolling in the drizzle, who gave me support in whatever ways she could… and we are in the same school for the 13th year running.

2. my two fellow songbirds who’ve been through thick and thin with me, laugh at me, bitch with me… Our passion for music and making  things right will take our friendship very far. (:

2. bestie’s other GOH friend.  I told Marie it is often easier to click with your good friend’s friend because I believe you have a bit of your every good friend in yourself. so we are gloria jean’s coffee converts now.

3. my ftb faci ;), choir and exco senior who has guided me in every possible way. I feel very lucky to have her around!

4. the smu chorale seniors, some of which who love to battle, bully, scare off their juniors… I choose to believe that they are  jolly- good-at-heart people who just couldn’t wait to welcome the sizzling new smu blood. ;)

5. my ftb friends like phyl, claire, gladys, junrong, ben, jervois, ryan, kermin, ada, vince daniel and dhan. (:

Because of them, I am able to assimilate into the smu life which I first (and still)believe to be overly-hyped and image-conscious. They keep me grounded. :D I shall remain optimistic even when the work and projects start pouring in!

Why do I have this feeling that this is a airy-fairy post… Missing a week of chorale practices felt like an eternity to me. After two consecutive camps, in spite of  my hoarse voice, chorale was like a breath of fresh air. It starts to feel more of a home. I have this sudden burst of affection for chorale and that group of singers and friends… I would grin to myself for no bloody reason at times. Even though we are all different and unique, we are like-minded because choir to us is more than a cca – it is a passion.

LAST NIGHT, while having yong tau foo with sam, marie and pei en, I realise good friends are comfortable with lapses of silence. You don’t always have like zillions of things to share about all at once, sometimes when no one is talking, you feel kind of surreal,  safe and protected with these people around you even without words. (: