‎”Become like a sheet of blotting paper and soak it all in. Later on you can figure out what to keep and what to unload.” — Haruki Murakami

That is the state of my what-used-to-be blank canvas.

Utterly soaked and inundated with again, many questions and uncertainties and the ever-compounding “what-ifs”. I always thought it will be a nice picture, at the very least, but now I realise it is never going to be this way, which is good, because when it has been reduced to that state, even if  it exists in that figment of your imagination, you will stop pushing; stop learning and just stop.

Nevertheless I dream of  my next holiday destination. The last one in Bali was not that bad.

Bali with Cais and the gang

I still wish I can spend more time in cafes, dreaming, chatting and people-watching.

My feeble attempt at food photography

Catching up with Globetrotter before she zips away to another faraway land

Or holding birthday surprise parties for people who matter.

greengirl's 23rd birthday. she felt like a princess

Merry Christmas

I spent this year’s Christmas eve/Christmas laughing a lot over innuendoes with a modest amount of beer and a few twisted-sounding carols. So very tame. (: It does feel a bit like 2005.

Wedding Bells

I attended a wedding today; I am wondering whether it is even the first church wedding that I’ve attended
in my entire life so far. The wedding was wonderful of course. The bride and groom – my critical impression of them was when we were having mah la steamboat and the amusing conversations we had – my blog, I think even contained that recount- looked lovelier than ever. But at that moment, I also realized for myself how distant and surreal all those seemed to me. It just shattered all my girly ideals and put me into perspective and what all these was about- to be one for the rest of your lives.

Visiting

I realise how good it feels to sleep earlier and wake up early. I feel less of a bum.

So I’ve gone back to visit my friends and the “organisations” that had kept me busy in 2009.

I don’t feel really foreign to Chorale, (It first started with the meeting we had in BK. I was happy to see everyone, and glad that the meeting is pretty effective.) except that I wasn’t very familiar with all the songs that they are singing. It kind of felt like second nature.

The people are different. I’ve greeted everyone, including the juniors exuberantly but didn’t really get to catch up with the seniors.

So, there was this senior that I was very amused by, partly because I hardly know him. Although I was sitting in another corner, I was observing him (and the others standing near him) while having a conversation with BT who also made a guest appearance that day. Whenever the K made a joke about our rendition, most choir members would chuckle, laugh patronisingly or heartily depending on your age. (The higher the number of years of exposure to his humour, the less susceptible you are to laughing)  He would not laugh nor would he smile. He looked straight ahead through his black-rimmed glasses, waiting for the moment to pass. He held his score in a dignified fashion, not a second was he short of professionalism.

Towards the end of the practice, he walked briskly with his black briefcase past the rest of the choir and I watched him as he made his exit quietly but distinctly. You could feel his gaping presence at the very spot he was standing.

He is here to do what he is best at and then he is gone.

“Cool, ” I thought.

I tagged along with some of my choir friends to watch the latest opera presented by Singapore Lyric Opera after the practice. I don’t quite like the interpretation and the production in general. This South-east Asian twist to it just doesn’t really appeal to me. ST gave a pretty positive review though. I wasn’t engaged by the performance, I don’t know why. I didn’t laugh much although I must say Papageno really did try his best in entertaining the audience.  oh and I was pretty captivated by Nancy Yuen’s voice. She shone. The three little fairies from SLO Children Choir were lovely as well. They showed great potential.

The models on our poster are actually our friends. awesome right. and Sam, Cheryl and Irvin are singing in the chorus too!

Oh, before I forget, Victoria Chorale is presenting In Song 2010  at Esplanade Recital Studio this year on 21 August.  I visited them like I said and they are sounding very good. I was inspired so much that I was penning poetry during practice. I’m quite thrilled to do stage-management this time round too.

***

Visiting the club that was like the central nexus of my life in 2009 felt kind of surreal. I came back with absolutely no idea what they are doing or how involved they are in school events because I cut off all communication, not deliberately honestly. It just happened. As I was walking along the concourse past the bookshop and the travel agency, I started to think, oh my, I used to rush down this concourse all the time  and I also asked myself, “Did I leave irresponsibly?” The question came because I had totally no memories of the last few moments I was in office until I stepped back into the room; until I see the successors whom are now in our shoes. I think my brain blocked all memories — which is probably one of the best things my brain has done on hindsight. (:

So I saw them and then I thought, wow, school is going to start and at this point of time… things just started flowing back into my mind.

“I have a lot of questions in my head, ” I confessed to the successors and my friends.

Slowly, I asked them about the events and well, the state of things and bit by bit, I started remembering meetings I had with people, conversations, and all.

So my brain really had been blocking these memories for half a year. wow.

Apart from the revelation I had, I’m very happy that the younger guys are doing well better than us. I’m going to help them in my own ways. I’ve already offered! (:

Now that I’ve more time at hand, I’m going to start my driving lessons again (groans. should I change to auto?), reply all the pertinent emails (i.e. regarding internships), scrap-booking, pick up a sport (tennis?), learn Japanese and French again and very importantly, pave a way for freelance copywriting/writing. It is time to give the last one some serious thought and ACTION.

Sometimes, we forget

Like Eric Whitacre, I was smiling all the way while watching this video. The girl was so dedicated to delivering the song. Relentless.

It reminded me of moments when I (we) absolutely ignored the eyes of the public, and were so immersed in singingour choral works/carols/pop ditties that we would smile or wink at one another or we would close our eyes so tightly as if we already had been transported to some neverland.

It reminded me of times when the urge kicked in and you just feel like bursting into the song, even in the dead of the night, or at the EUREKA! moment.

If my memory didn’t fail me and if my ten years of choral experience still count for something, i just want to say that this kind of joy/passion can’t be attained alone. So, let’s not let silly things get in the way, embrace them and move on.

interlinked.

now I feel pumped up and excited and overwhelmed. (: I also feel this sudden desire to do Victoria Chorale’s marketing and PR work. I love sometimes how all my “work” is interlinked or how I connect them and transfer knowledge learnt from one arena, modify it and implement into a different arena. It is not just hard facts or information or techniques even. It could be simply an inspiring experience that I believe is worth sharing with the uninitiated. well, I guess, I am just adding to the galore of unwritten emails that I have to write! They are just accummulating and accummulating…

Purpose

I have never been too interested in over-lofty and ambitious things because intrinsically, I am quite a dreamer and a hopelessly romantic but knowing why and what you enjoy doing and looking forward to a possible future makes me… happy? It is that simple. (:

I complained about BE and its workload very, very often… and sometimes I admit I felt bitter about it and that I did have an urge to call it quits but today, I had a change of mind. I really, really want to see WAR in place… it is like seeing your baby to full term. There are many ideas, many strategies, many discussions but ultimately, I want to be able to persevere. I want to be able to hand over to the next batch with the rest of the 5th Exco properly and to be able to tell them proudly, these are what we have done in our term and these are what you might want to consider doing to help BE progress. There are honestly a lot of things that I want to learn.

BE is like this theatre with many stage doors and with every door you open, you will face a whole new experience; torture sometimes, but you know when you come back onto the stage to perform, you will be fully prepared and it is also definitely not going to be a monologue. The people and friends I meet there are absolutely dedicated and intelligent and they continue to inspire me. In fact, come to think about it, I am gaining more than I am giving to BE.

So, today, I discover my passion for BE.

I remember during the retreat, while I was glad that as a WAR member, I helped to bond the EXCO, I felt slightly detached. After I read the “notes” from other EXCO members, my suspicions were confirmed. They don’t really know me. (almost everyone wants to know me better! ;) haha.)  I was immediately reminded of how when we were playing the “5-words-to-describe  yourself” with my chorale small group, Marcus was laughing and saying that he already thought of the words to describe me. There was such a stark disparity. I know I am holding myself back sometimes in BE and I couldn’t figure out which way it is.. whether I am unfriendly or we are on different wavelengths (cos’ I don’t have the energy they have.)… Ultimately, as I have told Marie, I am at ease of where I am now- I don’t mind being not as “loud” or “visible” in BE as long as I do my work well… But I think I do begin to know some of the EXCO members better and I have become less self-conscious. With today’s discovery, I am confident that I will not just do my work pragmatically but passionately as well.

(I must give credits to my BSM and all the speakers and their constant reminders that we must be passionate about what we do.)

Well, if BE is where I continue to find myself, then chorale is where I am myself. (:

Our small group had a talk today about chorale, its history and its future. I think this small group idea though sometimes frustrating has turned out to be a real blessing. Only only do we try to seek for the musical synergy, we also get to understand one another more on a personal level and our hopes for our chorale. Terr Toh was sharing with us about why some of his friends aka the laolaos left chorale…(I never blame them.) Then I turned to him and asked in a challenging tone though I was already expecting some kind of answer.

“Then why did you stay?”

“Because I love this choir too much-”

I swear his eyes were glistening with ‘tears’ for that few seconds.

I had to look away because if I didn’t, I would be moved to tears. I know Terr Toh is not the only one out there who is very passionate about Victoria chorale but he being willing to talk to us directly – the younglings, to sound us out, to start contemplating how VC is going to grow in the future is very admirable. Respect. (:

I guess for me, I will leave Chorale probably when the passion no longer exists in the people around me and from today’s practice, I know that is not going to happen soon.

the tired, the driven, the brainwashed

I made it back- ALIVE! :D

FTB Facilitator training is like this amazing brain-washing process. (as much as I will like to avoid the word, you can’t help it.) I felt like I have been thrown into the washing machine, tossed around vehemently, mixed with the laundry powder of “DRIVE”, “PERSEVERANCE”, “TRUST”, “TEAM-BUILDING” together with 12 other stained, blotched ‘like-minded’ individuals, and then here I am now, sparkling clean, fresh-smelling and ready to start anew.

HA, it is not that transformative but I am really glad I went for the training. It is very heartening (note: one common word in the FTB dictionary) to know that there are people in SMU who are not just driven blindly. I admit I was quite skeptical whether we would in the end become a performing team but it caught me by surprise and if you think about it, you can really apply it to your life. Sometimes, we give ourselves too much room for errors, almost as if we are prepared to fail. There is a very thin line between being realistic and being having a we-are-prepared-to-fail mentality…

I am really brainwashed.

And so is Mikaela. She is such a funny girl. She loves to roll her eyes. But she is brainwashed as well. (:

oh my oh my… and I am actually pretty sad that I can’t make it for mock camp. I think Mock camp will be fun because we will get to practise facilitating. After the training, I wonder what kind of facilitator I will be… I was observing the four SFs and I am quite impressed. How in the world did they find so many points and things to say about us?!

I met great people too. (: But I do agree with Shaun that after every team-building camp or equivalent, it always escalates to a state of euphoria that is almost always ephemeral. So before it dissipates, you have to keep reminding yourself… I SWEAR I DREAMT ABOUT MY TEAM and our TRAINING. It is freaky. I really, really want to go for the Mock Camp!

OH & countdown to eye-candy land: 5 more days!

I am not really mentally and intellectually prepared to go to Sweden & Denmark. I do kind of regret… perhaps I could have secretly extend the trip without telling my parents and just explore Scandinavia or Europe more OR take up a summer, temporary job/internship if I can find… All sorts of possiblities. I wish I can do something out of the world. I don’t have the guts. I feel like a puny underachieving fry in SMU especially after BSM, FTB… (all the acronyms!) I guess I have to internalize what Weikiat said about having the faith that things will fall into place. Then again, I think I need to push myself much, much more.

Dinner with the Batch on Friday night after the first day of training was entertaining as usual. I was really quite put off by Long Beach Restaurant. I am usually not very fussy with food, so if i think it is bad, then it is seriously bad.

Jon Gan described Sam most aptly that night when she was sharing a bit about her she and her boyfriend.

“You sound like you are giving a press conference.”

That was classic. The ultimate. Sam was saying it so matter-of-factly and calmly, not punctuated at all with any girlish giggles although the blush on her face gave her away… In the thick of the ‘media’ motif, he also said, “Mr Lim will stop taking any questions.” in the serious, gruffy tone when Sam presseed her questions on like a nosy and determined journalist, eager to trap her interviewee who was in this case, Edwin.

Jon Gan has a randomised, quirky but almost witty sense of humour. Almost. ;)

we go sugar-high!

Apparently, I have been losing readership as my blog is too CHEEEEM.

Jianhao remarked with that half-quizzical and half comical expression, “I read your blog… and then I will feel [insert adjective(either "sad" or something)] Is it me? Because I don’t understand it at the end. Do you?” he looked at Jon Gan, “People tell me there is another layer meaning to her entries. Can you get the undercurrent?”

Jon Gan: No, NOT AT ALL. It is just very long and emo entries and…

He trailed off. That’s it. Those are the perspectives of some of my “readers”. I think I haven’t laughed so hard for quite a long time. They think I am some double-entrendre QUEEN ar. haha. It’s okay. I prefer to keep that crown on. ;)

***

Sam and I were pretty humoured and yet exasperated. It is that sort of mixed feeling when you hang out with choir guys. Sometimes you feel like they are child-like, ungentlemanly but really, they are quite pieces of art (copyrights given to momoserene) themselves. There were like EIGHT OF THEM before Jiejun joined us and one of them is the ever quote-worthy Jon Gan. In the Ice-Cream Chef, he said almost dramatically, “because we are all such animals!” It was so memorable that I have completely forgotten the context it which the line was made in.

***

Then there was Jeremy Yeo who was making an effort to distinguish  the pomfret’s face and the pomfret’s head. That actually BLOSSOMED into a heated and animated conversation between the boys. Oh my. Sam and I. Sam and I… no, we didn’t roll my eyes. But yeah, you can imagine our hysteria. (:

***

It was dark… I just came out of the toilet and I couldn’t make out that it was Edwin in his car of boys at the carpark gantry(Ice Cream Chef near coldstream ave/siglap) until he signalled me over.

His car was too far away from the intercom.

Edwin: Eh, Siying, press the thing.

Siying: Press what? Where?

Edwin: The Red Button!

Siying: Okay, pressed. Now what?

The carpark gantry was not moving up at all.

I heard some familiar music coming from the car. The car window was rolled down and I was trying to evade my responsibilities. (like hello, I don’t do NUMBERS. I can’t figure out INTERCOM. )

Siying: Oh my gosh, you play VJ Choir music in your car!

BOYS in the car:  lalalala… (singing away)

Edwin: Ya, that’s why la. We play this… I listen until I get lost. Cannot find my way here.

(He joined his car of boys for a line or two of our carols)

Edwin is one of the biggest PARADOX in vjc choir. His attendance in choir has drawn my concern and attention but he is one of the rare ones or rather the FIRST one whom I know play VJC Choir music in the car. and he is capable of saying emotional lines like, “I miss vjc choir. You know, l like listening to sov(our annual concert) songs… I can study better with them.” Coming from a med student who has to study harder than anyone of us to make the cut, I must say, VJC choir must have a tremendous influence over him despite his less than perfect attendance. ;) hahaha.

***

The boys were ravenous with excitement when we were at the ice-cream parlour. Ben tan was helpless… as a cat. I know, there is no such simile but I heard he has a special affinity with those FELINES(goodness) that I have to draw such parallel. He purred with delight since he was about to embark on his tantalising feast of strawberry ice-cream but you know mr mumble-into-the-mike sometimes just doesn’t try hard enough.

He stood up.

“What do you all want…” He rattled off some flavours… and some ways of concoctions.

He paused midway into his sentence. (mainly cos’ there was no response so far.) He looked at US.

The girls threw him a few sympathetic glances. The boys were still immersed in their conversation ( I had no idea what they were talking about.) I believe he stood there for a few more seconds before he managed to order some ice-cream with Edwin.

When he came back to his seat,

Sam asked, “Why can’t you just- MAKE the decision?”

Ben Tan: Because. Because I will just order all Strawberry. I am being considerate.

Again, he was distressed after a while. His tub of strawberry ice-cream was at the other end of the table. He gazed at it longingly.

Sam: Ask for it. Can you be more assertive?

Ben Tan cocked his head slightly towards the other edge of the table. “ Hoi! ” Immediately, his kitten-like bellow had a swift descrendo- he broke into a grin THAT depicted I HAVE ACHIEVED SOMETHING.

 Jiejun by the way was already roaring with laughter.

***

I could have gone on profiling them but I should let the pictures speak for themselves.

In sam’s car!

***

oh yes, my big crystal-like earring has been making headlines of its own.

NO 1: Grouplings think that the act of dropping my earring is very funny. WHY?! Nicholas would laugh and it was followed by Asik, Ben and finally Marcus who was at first lost but after Asik said, “she dropped her earring.” and Marcus went like, “I see the humour” and joined in the laughter. Suelynn was as clueless as me. WHY?! Ben tan has come up with this alter-ego name called “Sally” for me and he said he would credit “Sally” instead in his film. If he ever does that, I will so strangle him.

NO 2:  There was this informal Meet-the-BOYFRIEND session. (Sam’s by the way) There were like cheow, marie, sam, josh the bf and me of course. Then Marie/Sam asked why I was wearing only one earring. Suddenly, all their attention was on me - this very tired, dreamy girl slouching on a rickety chair in the middle of a smelly alley.

I touched my pretty earring, stared at them quite blankly and replied in slight insouciance,

“Fashion what.”

I never quite figured out what they were laughing at but I think I blushed. I hope sam’s bf will not have too much of a negative impression of her friends. oh my.

Lynn the wonderful ctv director has found THE OTHER earring. The long lost earring in the editing studio. After I retrieved THE OTHER earring, I think everything will be back to normal. My earrings, I mean.

 

I have been wanting to post many other pictures. aho, next entry then. I am tired. (:

 

yeah, a herd of sheep. (:

With imageries and metaphors flying all over the cyberspace recently, I found it hard to put across my message directly. I was am a poetic person but have now succumbed to this effervescent style of just emptying my emotions like the rusty, aged coins falling out of a pretty quilted purse onto the cold  hard marble floor.

I know why sometimes I do feel a sense of quick-paced floaty-ness in smu. I don’t feel like I am attached to any core. I am really a pretty receptive person. I don’t try to impose a self limit. I love to meet new people and really love embracing different group dynamics. Back in JC and in secondary school, I tried to diversify myself and to even at times, ‘detach’ myself from choir by participating in as many non choir-related activities as I could without infringing on my responsibilities as a member and a leader. I felt balanced then. Now, in SMU, things changes so quickly, then I realise as receptive and as open-minded a person I can be, I need to have that source of stability. I felt ‘motivated’ and productive not because it came out from this very pristine thing called passion but because I don’t want to screw up and let people think lowly of me and well, after all the real world can be pretty unforgiving. (This suddenly strikes me. I should have asked the management what made them want to run for the positions. Challenge themselves, self-fulfilment or passion to serve and lead and for the organisation and the people?)

This source of stability, I think, hasn’t been very stable itself recently. I am worried. We all are and we want things to get better. We might be blindfolded sheep who have gotten used to being led to the paraiso of music ; we might be young, ignorant and really very much less capable… but we have company. we are a herd. at least we are not-not alone. Somehow, blind being blind, we will still find our way around if we adapt to this darkness quickly enough. I hate myself to be all whiney and overly emotional, but I need to dredge these feelings out: I am sad, but I am optimistic. (:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MT114W58DRY&feature=related