Epiphany

And you wait. You wait for the one thing
that will change your life,
make it more than it is—
something wonderful, exceptional,
stones awakening, depths opening to you.

In the dusky bookstalls
old books glimmer gold and brown.
You think of lands you journeyed through,
of paintings and a dress once worn
by a woman you never found again.

And suddenly you know: that was enough.
You rise and there appears before you
in all its longings and hesitations
the shape of what you lived.

- Remembering, Rilke

Amid the thumping music, the sardonically liberal movements  even in the fraction of the space that was only equivalent to the size of a tile in my house’s toilet, and the illusionary fog that made you forget that you were in a room full of sweaty bodies clad in skimpy clothes, I had an epiphany.

The story goes like this:

Like everyone else, I have something that I really, really want. Because I really, really want it, I am really, really persistent. (haha. really, really)

I think the persistence was wearing me off, not in the sense that I detest putting in the extra effort. It occurred in a way such that when the outcome doesn’t match the level of effort put in, it would drain off a little of my optimism.

I stomped my feet at Bras Basah MRT station in mock anger and exasperation. “Her internship in XXXX company??! It is only a distributor please! You just cut and paste the global strategy, that’s all!”

(Thank you to V for playing along.)  Come on, I needed to vent. I sounded really bitter on hindsight. (heehee)

However, prior to that, also on the last night of school, I met a fellow schoolmate. He was perhaps like me. He wanted the thing that I have been fortunately given the opportunity to pursue.  (I knew because someone said “you again!” and he was like, “yeah I am persistent.”) He smiled and congratulated me while I sheepishly broke the news to him.

So the epiphany, while I was tossing my head and swaying my body to the catchy rhythm of yet another chart-topping tune, arrived.

Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

The line from the Sunscreen Song dawned upon me.

I should be cherishing this and make it work, really, really, really especially since I do enjoy it.

My misgivings have disappeared.  I may need to convince people that matter to me, but that’s again another story and challenge to tackle later on.

I haven’t stopped trying. I haven’t stopped persisting. In the meantime, make the best out of the situation. All roads lead to Rome, says Strategy Prof! (;

 

 

 

 

Wear Sunscreen

Hi, (awkward)

This feels like a very foreign space. Oh yes, I think I am a geek at heart. I am proud to be one. I couldn’t stop smiling after reading an email from a professor. It is very assuring yet motivating.

 

“Remember, you will spend about 2,000 hours/year doing your work so take a job that will provide you with what you are looking for…”

and then he included the lyrics of this song that I have never heard of before.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

 

(:

 

The Chase

Spotted this advertisement on.. Facebook (not TV, funny huh). My favourite part of the ad was when she landed into the pool that was embedded in a Youtube video and then escaped to the “car” on the Youtube page.

Love the action, the graphics and the fact that I could recognise the Prague stone pavements and streets from the film!

 

the mad hatter

that’s how i feel I am, for the past two weeks.

there was the new year get-together with a couple of friends that catapulted me into the new year. Hilarious, when I thought of the stuff I could remember.

i painted a pillar too with my dear friend, small eyes. A group of friends came to support small eyes and help us paint when I was in class. Here is our final piece of art:

 

Our point of painting was to simply leave our marks in our LAST SEMESTER (assuming nothing goes wrong) in SMU. It was nothing fancy. We also didn’t rally people to vote for our pillar on Facebook and so on, but apparently the organiser told us that quite a number of people voted for our pillar. so, yay!

there was the performance with orchestra of music makers at esplanade. it was nice singing with the juniors and of course, for the orchestra.

Then there was the competition that left me high and dry. Being in school till 6 am in Week 2 is kind of a special… milestone? I chanced upon a photo I took with a little girl just before I went for exchange. I looked so bloody young.

Let’s see how the presentation goes. (: I am contented to take a tiny, little break from it for now.

 

i am thinking about whether to change my laptop. It is such an awkward timing and it is definitely not helping that a new Macbook Pro is speculated to be launched sometime this June. Looks like I can put my “Managerial Decision-Making” (a module i am taking now) skills into use.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…oh, yes! hello, 2011 (:

I wish I could say it was a whirlwind romance. It did feel like it — the first few days of 2011. I am a woman of rituals and traditions (ok, sometimes, I am more prominently so) so it is only proper to close the chapter. I thought the transition from 2010 to 2011 was too swift for my liking, honestly.

 

I remember one chilly day in Rotterdam, I went for a jog from my apartment to my favourite lakeside park. (One of the two times I bothered to run.)

I sat on a bench and huddled to myself and just watched the passing families, couples and friends. It was very, very cold — so cold that I could feel the sharp pangs. i don’t know whether i had written at that juncture about my strange, overwhelming emotions. I thought the whole world could just spin past me if it tried hard enough.  Even if that capsule of loneliness was bleak at the very least and was pretty hard to swallow,  I didn’t mind because that was what 2010 was about — the many moments that encapsulated so perfectly my memories of the places and the people, there had to be a few that were not so pleasant. I have started thinking and acting and living in moments, not framed by years or lists and tables and goals and bull’s eyes.

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Pictures from my trips in Croatia and Ireland

it could be the walk that ryn and I took down this small bridge, where we could see fancy modern architecture on our right (insert street name. it is opposite blaak market) right down to the main river. She picked a dandelion and told me about the dandelion clock story. I was amused. I think I could remember her fingers on the dandelion.

it could be the day when derek, michelle and i were stranded on the lift lobby  of the first apartment i stayed in Rotterdam. it was freezing but derek who seemed to be fascinated with the snow kept sneaking outdoors to take photos of the snow and the swans and he made a very mysterious call which michelle and i cheekily teased him about. I know it is weird, but I think I could smell the place.

it could be the day when mc and I were sitting on the bed in our hotel room in Lyon and when we were on the train that was going to take us from Avignon to Aix En Provence. In the hotel room, she asked me, “is there anyone you could trust?” and we talked about our families and our aspirations. I remember her slightly demanding but firm voice, “Talk to me. Don’t stone.” when we were waiting for the band to start playing in Nice. after that, we danced till like there was no tomorrow.

or… one of the moments could be

in the salt cave in Poland, where we gamely licked the walls of the cave. we burst into laughter and I think for a moment, we probably all  wondered how it would be like really to have our weddings held in the cave several feet down from earth. small eyes and i sang a1 songs and giggled like young teenage girls who were besotted with a boy we assumed to be Portuguese. we were literally cavorting in Schonbrunn Palace in Austria. (he was really cute!)

so, 2010 was great – it was about losing myself and rediscovering myself, meeting strangers and knowing people who matter better.  If 2010 is a mosaic patterned art, then 2011 is going to be a great, starchy white piece of canvas, proclaiming to the world invitingly, “Come, colour me.”

This is going to be an interactive art installation.

Life Stages

While some of my friends’ lives ahead of them are happening in stages and measured in years…

“Yes, I think three years after I start working…”

“I would love it to be a year after I graduate and then two to three years…”

“I will be twenty-seven and then wait for another two years…”

mine is like one big white piece of canvas.

awesome, isn’t it?

Protected: I am always getting further and further away from you.

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Need vs Wants

I have strayed away from doing my part of the report to blog-surfing to blogging. I have never been a very patient person. Mindless blog-surfing (especially strangers and when I have no absolute need to) and scrolling through images after images sometimes makes me feel aimless and…uninspired?

To sum up my state of mind, needs and wants:

A) A hearty and healthy breakfast

I am looking forward to have brunch with the N. bunch and the sops and have a long, long conversation.  The last brunch/tea I had with Eve & JJ was so awesome. Well, the N. bunch always ends up sharing raunchy stuff, but hey, it is part of life. (;

B) Dance on a Bar-top decked in heels and headpiece and white dress

ok, maybe bar-top is the wrong word or the wrong place. but she looks absolutely gorgeous with her sheepish smile and the cascading locks. Did I tell you that I have fallen in love with cascading locks again? Am I ready for another make-over. Stay tuned.

C) Decorate my room and embellish it with postcards and photos from all over the world!

This —  I really want to get the ball rolling.

E) Get my other blog up and running – it is going to revolve around story-telling! That’s all I know.

F) Pack my bag and go! The wanderlust in me is all geared up.

and… G) take tons of pictures!

 

and go to sleep and wake up early in the morning to do my work. This is a need. The rest stated above are all wants, wishes and fantasies.

 

i’m so sentimental that being able to move on scares me.

Reading about how my friend can keep going back to her community  and how she is still very much bonded to everyone else makes me feel a little sad about my own situation. actually, i was/am fine. People move on. I think I have moved on. It scares me however how quickly I have moved on, like at the snap of my finger, all my sense of obligation, responsibility, remorse, guilt  dissolved just like that. I did not even have to try very hard. I have verbalised this to people who kind of understand, still it doesn’t help to alleviate the frustration caused by this lack of sense of belonging.  Maybe I should stop trying to grasp this disconnect and to justify for an  input/output ratio. It is after all very silly.  Maybe it is ok to let go. I don’t have to be so hard on myself.  Maybe it just cannot be quantified by the number of friends I can count on after I have left or whatever. Maybe I should just walk in the rain.

On an equally bright note, I have flung myself into work-work so early. I should have enjoyed my life as a student as much as I can, shouldn’t I?

I should stay in school till late, have tau hway suppers, go to the gym at 7 pm, hang out in the library till closing time, take part in sports fiesta/paint-a-pillar/diving/cycling.  ah, talking about that, I’m very sore about the fact that I signed up for the fitness classes way too late! ok, i’ll work hard for the last part, maybe take part in a swan-song performance (yeah, i am kind of a superstar. (; ) before I graduate.

i kind of like this weekend, but the good, control freak in me tells me that I really shouldn’t be so hedonistic, and having so much fun.

• transforming an intellectual chess game set into a verve-powered game that tests our wit, courage and justification skills (hahaha, read that, small eyes) in an Irish pub that was proven to be too boring for us with small eyes (should i change that to small something-else, according to KL’s standards?)  and KL, we can’t forget about the erm, the interesting conversations littered with subtexts that MC took a second longer to understand.
• gathering finally with my favourite arty-farty friends. we were having so many-ways-conversations that it was amusing. poor jy. people must have thought he is gay.
• catch-up with the exchange friends at holland v. seems so surreal, especially when we took a picture with the windmill at holland v. (: i think the party ends wayyyyy too early though.

this weekend of  drinking, incessant laughing and subtext, innuendos, and allow me not to kick myself for saying this — talk about job applications (Maybe I should bar myself and all my friends from talking about that whenever we are out having fun) was a harbinger to the crazy week I have ahead.

and all my novel plans which include revamping my room, starting on my scrapbook, reading tons of books  for this week go right into the bin at this very juncture.

London: it never rests. (Continued)

So about two months ago, I wrote an entry about London. I’m in Starbucks and I heard this teenage boy speaking British-accented English and I know it is a sign.

d) Step into this LUXE world and snoop around for a glimpse of celebrity

Greengirl and I wanted to split our ways and visit a stadium and Queen Victoria and Albert museum respectively. Short of time, we decided to head to Harrods together.  We explored Harrods storey and storey and were in awe by  this luxury departmental store which has everything from bathroom essentials, furniture to children’s wear. They all carry a hefty price tag each including the simplest thing that you could probably get half the price. There were also more tourists than real shoppers, I noticed.

This was also where I felt that my London experience was very much complete.

We met… John Terry, i.e. the EX-captain of the English football team. The irony of our chance encounter was that on our way to Harrods, Greengirl was bitching about the Chelsea football team, its ineffectualness and lack of charm.

I took this picture. ):

e) Conquer the London markets (Portobello, Borough, Spitalfields, Camden & Brick Lane)

It didn’t help that Jo is an avid shopper. When I was putting up in her room, she showed me all her loot from the markets, Primark, ebay and ASOS. How can one resist all these temptations?

The ever enthusiastic Jo marked out all the markets on my map and even suggested to me how I could go about conquering all of them as I peered at the “yuniek & momo” guides, reading aloud the specialties of those places.

Camden was the least interesting, in my opinion or the right words for it, should be least rewarding or most pocket-friendly. There are hardly anything you could buy there except for food. Tip of the day given by Jo: Walk quickly through the Bugis-Street (a place in Singapore that stocks cheap, trendy and sometimes run-of-the-mill clothes) looking streets and head straight for the Stables Market. It has a commendable selection of vintage stalls but I personally find the things there slightly pricier.

For my favourite market, it is a tough fight between Portobello and Brick Lane.

Portobello is just so quintessentially British or so I think. We didn’t need a map or ask people for directions. We simply had to follow the crowd who led us through the what seemed like thousands of stalls and shops. I bought a nautical-striped bag from the market. THAT’S ALL. Can you believe it?

George Orwell lived here. (Portobello)

Portobello Market -- this is where it all begins

The Hummingbird Bakery @ Portobello

Pop by The Hummingbird Bakery to get a whiff and a bite of the scrumptious and cute cupcakes! We were too preoccupied unfortunately to remember to take a picture of the red velvet cupcake.

Brick Lane, quoting momoJ, is …

a fab place to people-watch and snap candid shots for you will spot young things that embody the epitome of british fashion, agyness deyne and alexa chung lookalikes/wannabes. not to forget, very pretty boys with side-swept wavy hair and tailored ankle pants. also old old book collections, an indoors market with feathered headpieces and handmade cards among many other things.

When I was in London in July, I wanted to go to Brick Lane again to shop at my own relaxed paced but by then, I could only bear to have one main thing on my itinerary per day and sadly, I missed out on a second trip to Brick Lane.

f) The two Roast that you must try –the Roast Duck & the Sunday Roast

So many people had raved to me about the famous Roast Duck rice in London way before I visited London. Apparently there are two restaurants at Bayswater that are well-known for their roast ducks. They are Golden Mile Restaurant and Four Seasons Restaurants. I’ve tried Golden Mile Restaurant’s. It was decently good. I don’t remember it as better than those that I’ve tried in Singapore. Still, if it is highly recommended, I think it is worth a try!

Sunday Roast

The Sunday roast is a traditional British main meal served on Sundays (usually in the earlyafternoon for lunch), consisting of roasted meat, roast potato together with accompaniments, such as Yorkshire pudding, stuffing, vegetables and gravy. - Wikipedia

In a bid to try traditional British fare, we went for Sunday Roast in a pub, feeling quite satisfied that we have finally sampled some local food!

g) The world’s a stage

Nothing beats the sensation of standing for two hours or so to watch a Shakespeare play at the Globe Theatre. This was on the top of my to-do list. However, as it was not theatre season the first time I visited London in March, I had no choice but to admire the Globe Theatre from the outside and leave the rest to my imagination. Fortunately, I was back in London again in summer and I watched Henry VIII. The cast was terrific. Such intensity! The tension between each and every actor and actress was so well-cultivated. Each of them wielded their “weapons” (their lines) and launched into such exquisite “swordsplay” (the dialogue/the interaction) that made made me feel like jumping on stage to act with them! I adore the actress who played Anne Boleyn. She is very promising.

Henry VIII and his queen

Even though I was in London once in Spring and another time in Summer, I still didn’t manage to visit the Victoria and Albert Museum.  It is such a shame but that gives me reason to visit London again. I mean, even if I have visited V&A museum, I’ll always want to visit London again and again, with or without reason.

Here are some of pictures of my discoveries during summer which also documented my frustration at finding out that Nick Jonas acted as Marius for three weeks! Preposterous! Norm Lewis, also a guest start, however, blew me away with his rendition of Stars. So achingly beautiful.

Snog at the Carnaby Street (;

Look out for Nick Jonas

Seeing & being at Canary Wharf sent shivers down my spine

Chinatown

Just right outside Covent Garden which is also a must-go

My second trip was less hectic. I really took my own sweet time. And yes, I did what I preach, I found another friend who was working in London who was kind enough to put me up. I was really lucky to have a spacious room for myself for three days to recharge myself. LN is really lovely. I had a lot of fun with her and her other Vietnamese friends. Because she was very busy with work, I was mainly on my own except for one night when I met up with Sherms and F to watch the football match — Netherlands versus I can’t remember the other team.

I remember on my last night, I had to leave her place in the wee hours.  I was a little fearful of what may lurk around in the neighbourhood. I looked straight ahead, dragged my pink suitcase along and walked very, very quickly.

When I boarded the 24-hour bus,  I heaved a sigh of relief. This is after all London, and this time round, I mean it in the positive sense. There were already a handful of passengers on the bus and as the bus cruised from Bow Road to Gloucester Place/Baker Street, more and more people streamed in with their suitcases. It was probably 4 or 5 am then.

Just about the same time right now in Singapore.

Oh, I miss London.

***

P.S. This was actually continued and completed not on the Starbucks day but after I read my friends’ posts about their exchange experience — friends who just left for exchange a few days ago. My exchange buddy also has a fabulous blog that he updates very often about his life here in Singapore. All these have made me feel a little horrible for not writing on the go. So I persevered and finished writing about London. It wasn’t daunting at all. I was so carried away.